On Second Thought

A week ago, I learned that I was denied admission to a graduate program for the upcoming year.

Failure is an ugly and unhelpful word and truthfully, I believe that there is no such thing. However, until this morning, I had a piece all typed up ready to be published about all the ways in which that was true in everyone’s story but my own.

My words sat there like a big, organic multivitamin that I thought I was able to swallow completely, but clung stubbornly to the edge of my trachea.

I had listed the disappointments and frustrations that are surfacing in tandem with this experience, mostly the fears. The rejection letter sparked fear within me about who I want to be and how I’ll get there, but mostly, fear that you believed in me too heavily and I don’t deserve it.

I sat with the words until I felt something magical happen. I sat with them until they were boring and had no meaning to me. I sat with them long enough for me to separate from them and understand that they were a written representation of my mind chatter and nothing more.

The truth is, who I want to be has nothing to do with external accomplishments and the people whose opinion I’m really worried about already see me – with or without a Master’s degree by the time I’m 30. Most importantly, I still see me.

Yes, there is disappointment and frustration where I hoped there would be excitement and I believe it is my duty to let myself be fully human and acknowledge these things. It is okay to not be okay about this for the moment.

But when that moment dies and a new one is born, I am able to feel my higher self trusting the timing of the universe with full surrender; submission to this idea is as easy to me as taking in air. Practicing patience in the meantime, however, requires a bit more effort.

This time for me is not becoming what I thought it would. But then, it never really is. As it turns out, I don’t appear to be headed any of the places I had planned to be. Isn’t it beautiful to think that there are storylines for me (and for you) that we haven’t imagined yet? I have no idea what it looks like, but man, am I excited to learn what it is.

When we get there, we’ll be right on time.

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